OMG History: In which 50 bears issue forth from the mouth of a paper mache whale. Seriously.
Last spring I visited the Roman Colosseum with my mom. We rented the audio tour to Increase our Understanding, which was the best thing we ever did. The tour told us all sorts of facts about the ancient games that used to take place in the Colosseum. “Games” is a massive misnomer.
It seems that each emperor tried hard to top his predecessors in terms of the pure outlandishment of the entertainment provided, bringing weird animals to battle each other (awesome) and even flooding the entire arena to stage naval battles (...what?).
I was really enjoying myself hearing about this history until I heard one story that I wouldn’t have believed if it was not part of the Official Audio Tour.
At some point in Roman history, a whale beached itself near a coastal town, and when the villagers found it they got extremely excited. This was the first time, it seems, that Rome had seen a whale. As word spread, the whale became a National Sensation. The organizers at the colosseum apparently decide to work the whale into the show, but the original had decayed, so they built a giant paper mache model.
Now, that (giant whale model) would be cool in and of itself (if you ask me). But the party planners of ancient Rome really wanted to Knock People’s Socks Off. So what did they do?
THEY FILLED THE WHALE WITH 50 BEARS.
That is right. 50 BEARS. What? First of all, I have no idea how they even thought of that, but once they had, how in the world did they pack the 50 bears into the giant whale?
This got me to considering what it must have been like to be the gladiator called out to face this challenge. Gladiators were usually condemned criminals, right? But if they won and won, they had the chance of getting free. So if the gladiator that day was feeling pretty well hydrated and well-rested, maybe he thought that he would have a chance to survive.
No. Such. Luck.
I have produced a dramatic recreation of this Great Moment in History, which I have linked to
Here
It is large so I can’t post it in full on the blog.
If anyone has more information about this event I would be happy to learn about it, and I would also like to know why the heck we can’t organize something similar these days? It must be those hippies at PETA…
Update!: A user on Reddit (my Internet Community (... I know. sigh.)) has pointed out several things about my account of the situation in ancient Rome that could be more true. I am going to post it all here because this entire post is about education, and I do not shy away from the Truth.
I have a hard time agreeing that the Romans’ importing hundreds of wild animals, forced to fight, kill, and be killed for entertainment is “awesome”.
Also they didn’t “flood the entire arena” for the full-scale naval battle, just the sunken stage area, whose floor had not yet been constructed. This was the first public event held a the colosseum, not part of some race to “top” the last emperor’s attempts at entertainment.
One last thing, it’s more likely Maximus would have pissed himself, not dropped a hot dookie.
-“sirormadame,” internet person. fear-induced-waste-elimination expert.
Luckily for me I am in the clear, because I am still in possession of the coolest kernel of truth ever which is that 50 bears came out of a whale for the purpose of inflicting violence upon someone. Anyway, I welcome more thoughts on this matter because the more I can learn about this, the better.
Update 2: This is also from Reddit, and is awesome:
The original meaning of “Awesome” (pre “Fast Times at Ridgemont High) is something that inspires awe or even fear. Making a fifty-bear whale piñata that you swing a sword at is pretty fucking awe-inspiring to me.
If I saw it, I might just shit myself, too.
Can you imagine if they positioned it like a piñata? “Come one, come all ... see if you can break open Monstro the giant whale”
whack
whack
“Hooray! I broke it open. Wait, whats this…”
“Oh fuck no”
That is courtesy of tsuge, braindrain, and ed19. I would write their real names if I knew them, but they may not even have real names for all I know. If you are offended by the language, then, um, I am sorry. I would bleep it, but it is not audio and therefore cannot be bleept. I will try to make my blog family friendly from now on.